here's to those who wish us well, and those who don't can go to hell!

i'm definately moving saturday. goodbye tuscaloosa!

so i pretty much love this whole being single thing. i'm completely free to do whatever, whenever, wherever i want. i don't have to worry about calling, or being called by, anyone. i can flirt with anyone i want. it's pretty liberating. i don't think i've ever felt this way about being single. it's by far the longest i've gone without dating anyone, and i'm glad i made the decision to do this.

meanwhile, i've taken up jogging. i love it. it gives me energy and makes me feel fantastic. the endorphines don't suck either. everyone should do it. there's a great little trail that goes by the river and downtown n'port. the scenery is really pretty and everyone that you pass is jogging/biking so you don't have to worry about looking good for anyone.

things are going good right now. i like it.

mood: happy

i'm starting to worry myself sick over college. i just realized today my money predicament and i'm freaking out. i have to pay for gasfor the rest of the summer and make 2 trips to JSU (only one trip back), get what i need to live up there, and pay off the rest of my car payment. i'm making a pretty hefty paycheck from my job at the school, but i guess i just thought i would have more money to live off of.

pretty much the only thing that keeps my mind off college woes is my puppy, russell.

1)How old do you wish you were?
umm well i'm pretty good where i am right now.

2) Where were you when 9/11 happened?
walking to the portables at the old ACA on my way to math class. Jake was running by me screaming "we're all gonna die".

3) What do you do when vending machines steal your money?
hit it.

4) Do you consider yourself kind?
umm i usually reflect how i am treated.

5) If you had to get a tattoo, where would it be?
i already have one but if i were to get another one it would be between my shoulder blades

6) If you could be fluent in any other language, what would it be?
Spanish. French and/or Italian would be cool too.

7) Do you know your neighbors?
i used to know everyone in my neighborhood but they all moved. i still know a few though.

8)What do you consider a vacation?
going out of town.

9) Do you follow your horoscope?
nope.

10) Would you move for the person you loved?
probably. i'll let you know.

11) Are you touchy feely?
not really, no.

12) Do you believe opposites attract?
in some ways.

13) Dream job?
social worker. i wanna be that person that puts an end to abusive parents.

14) Favorite channel(s)?
i don't really watch tv that much. except grey's anatomy.. i'm addicted.

15) Favorite place to go on weekends?
badass, the movies, friend's house... wherever i can just chill with my friends.

16) Showers or Baths?
shower.. baths kinda gross me out.

17) Do you paint your fingernails?
rarely.

18) Do you trust people easily?
not at all.

19) What are your phobias?
bugs. being alone at night. but the biggest one is people touching me. unless i'm prepared and/or in the mood to be touched... don't touch me.

20) Do you want kids?
holy crap i want like 6.

21) Do you keep a handwritten journal?
it's more like an art journal.

22) Where would you rather be right now?
chicago. i need to see jeka and jason.

23) What makes you feel warm and fuzzy?
knowing that the feelings i have for someone are mutual.

24) Heavy or light sleep?
heavy.

25) Are you paranoid?
i don't think so.

26) Are you impatient?
yes.

27) Who can you relate to?
depends on the situation.

28) How do you feel about interracial dating?
i don't see a problem with it. people are stupid about stuff like that.

29) Have you been burned by love?
a couple times.

33) What are you reading?
insight guides: tuscany. i'm planning a trip there with jason. i'm also reading the naked roommate. it's not bad, i promise. look it up, it's interesting.

34) Who's bed did you sleep in last night?
mine. well, technically it's my mom's bed.. but it's in my room.

35) Favorite Color?
recently...red.

36) Movie you most want to see?
the omen. they tell me the little boy is basically a clone of this little girl i watch in daycamp.

37) Name three things you have on you at all times?
cell, gloss, gum.

38.) What color are your bed sheets?
light purple. soon to be yellow.

39) How much cash do you have on you right now?
it's all debit baby.

40) What is your favorite part of the chicken?
breast. haha.

41) what's your favorite city?
NYC(USA). Paris*so far(Europe). Buenos Aires(S.America).

42) I can't wait 'til:
i move.

43) Who got you to join livejournal?
i don't even remember. probably ashley or something.

44) What did you have for dinner last night?
ramen noodles.

45) How tall are you barefoot?
5'4"

46) Have you ever smoked heroin?
nope.

47) Do you own a gun?
nope.

48) What do you prefer to drink in the morning?
milk. but only skim.. otherwise it's too.. idk gross.

49) What is your secret weapon to lure in the opposite sex?
hahaha.

50) Do you have A.D.D.?
so they tell me.

51) What time did you wake up today?
7:15. late as always.

52) Current worry?
pocahontas (my poor little jeep). she's been having problems lately.

53) Current hate?
this girl named bo that i work with. she's an idiot, bless her heart.

54) Favorite place to be?
in my car with the windows rolled down.

55) Where would you like to travel?
tuscany. it's my new obsession. and i'd like to go back to paris.

56) Where do you think you'll be in 10 yrs?
married. social worker. maybe some kids.

57) Last thing you ate?
my brother made some sweet pepper jelly cream cheese. it's heaven in your mouth.

58) What songs do you sing in the shower?
whatever is in my head.

59) Last thing that made you laugh?
i laugh at everything. there's no telling.

60) Worst injury you've ever had?
my knee and wrist... thank you danceline.

61) Does someone have a crush on you?
this one guy that i've known forever. he just now started randomly liking me and it's kinda freaking me out. but i wouldn't have noticed if he hadn't told me.

62) What is your favorite candy?
clear gummi bears and dark chocolate.

mood: bouncy music: jimmy eat world-hear you me

i'm having problems figuring this one question out. how do you know when you are truly in love?

this will be my new home.

new hair for a new girl.

mood: hopeful

i've always had a deep yearning to help people. i'm a fixer. i want to fix everything.

social work seemed the cure. i'll go to college, get my bachelor's or master's degree in social work, and kick butt at it.

but here's an extension of my idea...

peace corp. it's perfect. give my entire life over to helping people for a few years. granted, i wouldn't be getting paid, but it's never been about the money anyway.

so my 5 year plan has expanded a bit. and i couldn't be more excited.

picture this.

you're watching kindergarteners in after-school daycare just like every other day. today a few of the girls are taking gymanstics in the gym for a little while but will be in daycare later.

4:00- K-4 comes in.
4:30- K-5 comes in.

you sign the kids in and they sit with the other kids and watch Cinderella 2. it's not as good as the first so you prefer to sit by the door with ginger, the other daycare worker, and watch out for parents picking up the kids.

5:00- Mrs. McCray walks in.
"Hey! How are ya'll doing?... Rebekah?.. Did she go to the bathroom?"
"Umm, ginger... Rebekah didn't come to daycare today... did she? i mean, i never saw her walk in."
"No, the other gymnastics girls came in 30 minutes and an hour ago."

you don't fully realize what's happening until a few moments after Mrs. McCray has left the room. The intercom comes on. "Um, we're looking for a little girl named rebekah mccray, if you hace seen her please bring her to the office. her mother cannot find her."

a slow panic washes over you. ginger looks at you and you both run down the hall.

you all split up. one takes downstairs. one takes upstairs. be sure to check every room. you run to the stage and gym hoping she's just playing hide and go seek.

but she's not. she's not hiding anywhere in the front building.

everyone is looking now. Mrs. McCray is starting to cry. you kick off your shoes so you can run faster. that way you can cover more ground.

elementary building? no, they've just checked all the rooms. you double check.. but in vain.

running outside all you can think is "she could be anywhere. but we've searched the entire school. oh God, please let her be ok. she's so little." a lump starts in your throat as you start to cry. ginger's there now. "heather you can't break down on me now. Mrs. McCray is about to lose it and if she sees you like this she'll fall apart. you've got to pull it together."

suddenly it's over. Mrs. McCray walks out. she's just gotten off the phone with her father. he had picked her up knowing that she would be late.

it took me a while to calm down. i don't know what i would've done if something had happened to that little girl. thank goodness she's ok.

that was the scarriest moment of my life.

I realized today that i am not who i want to be. my spiritual life is not as it should be. i'm not as nice as i once was. and above all, i've been a jerk to my friends. to be honest, i think it's my way of distancing myself so i won't be so sad when i leave... but in doing so i have become miserable.

i found out this week that my best friend is a liar. that sucks.

on a lighter note, i was proposed to thursday. lol. yea, i know. crazy. of course i said no.

i graduate in 1 week and 1 day. wow. and then i'm saying goodbye to people i've seen everyday for the past 12ish years.

anyway, so those are my random thoughts for tonight. sorry if they didn't make sense lol.

this is month has quite possibly been the WORST month of my life and i'm glad to see it coming to a fast approaching close. i never thought i would say this... but i can't wait til monday.

don't you just LOVE nature?!

prom is less than a month away. graduation is less than two months away. i move in five months to a place i've only been to once in my life.

i'm a legal adult now. scary. i don't like the thought of being an adult at all. making my own decisions. big decisions. i can't even make up my mind half the time on what i want to eat. now i have to decide on things that will affect me largely for the rest of my life. thank goodness God is in control, or i would probably have a nervous break down lol.

do you ever wonder where you'll be 10 years down the road? i used to think i had an idea, but now i realize that i haven't the slightest clue.

sometimes i wish i was still a kid.

i'm 18 today. craziness. i don't feel any different. well, i kinda do. it's more like a realization that i have to grow up now. crap.

on the bright side, i'm getting a tattoo today. woot woot.
i'll probly post a picture later.

So let me just tell you what happened today.

I woke up at 3:30 this morning. Yet another perk of being on danceline. Us (the danceline) and the cheerleaders had to be at school before 5 this morning so we could be on Today in Alabama. Two flippin hours. Ugh. And I couldn't go home and sleep because by the time we were finished with that, I had to go to work, and then school.

We did nothing at all in school. I took a couple of make-up tests and watched SNL in economics class and Constantine in Bible. There about 3 people in our class.

Got paid.. prom dress here I come. Had a meeting at work. Here's where it starts getting scary.

I'm driving down 82 and this guys pulls up behind me. He's wearing this stupid-looking, mexican-style, floppy hat. So, we're at a red light and I start looking at this guy's hat, thinking, "where on God's green earth would one buy a hat SO UGLY?". As I continue my thoughts, which span over about 30 seconds, he starts taking his shirt off. Ew. But, it's hot outside so I push it away from my thoughts and happily avert my eyes back to the road. Several minutes later, I glance in my rear view mirror and realize that ugly hat guy is still behind me. And following rather closely. Now, usually when people are driving this far down 82, they either live in gordo or coker. I admit to myself that either could be a possiblity considering how gross and redneck he looks. My turn is coming up and I put my blinker on. He doesn't have his on. Thinking myself ridiculous for starting to have doubts, I take my turn off 82. His car pulls in behind me. Just a coincidence. But as he follows me around my second turn, a road that isn't taken often by just anyone, I start to worry. At the railroad tracks, I stop for a moment and grab my pepper spray. We're in my neighborhood now and he's following much closer. My house is on the next turn. Afraid of what to do, I turn down the road, vowing that if I must, I'll spray him and run.. hoping that someone will see me and take pity. I stop at my house. He pulls ever so slowly up beside me, stares as he's doing so, and just when I'm about to bust into tears, he suddenly slams on the gas and drives away.

I nearly peed my pants.

mood: distressed

"How dangerous is an open heart?"

Carrie wrote this in her article on the most recent episode that I watched. So, what was the answer? I used to think that an open heart was too dangerous, and I would keep my heart closed. However, I've learned that sometimes, the greatest danger reaps the biggest rewards. They may not always be the rewards you expect, but the funny thing is, they can be even better.

Here's to a fresh start.

I just realized today how important it is to love yourself. Not in a prideful way, just love the person that you are. It makes you so much happier when you do!

I love my friends, I love my family, and I love being me!



In the words of Michael Bolton:
"LOOOOOOOOOOOOVE is a wonderful thing, make you smile through the pouring rain."

mood: ecstatic

I thought it was the end of the world. I thought I was worthless (as seen in the previous post). I thought I was doomed to always dating losers.

I was also wrong.

A few hours of crying, several friends, two very insightful and caring teachers, and less than 24 hours later... I realized something. I am and will be perfectly fine. I've never needed a guy before. Why should I need one now? I'm not even upset about it anymore. Yes, it's shocking to me that I got over it this quick, but seriously.. do I really NEED to wallow in self-pity for a week to get myself back to normal? heck no. My will has always been stronger than my emotions. Once I set my mind to something, it WILL happen. End of story.

I've realized now that my worth is, never was, and never will be dependent on anyone else other than my Lord. HE made me, and HE loves me. Forever. That's more than anyone else could ever give me.

mood: optimistic

and i don't know what to do
.. cuz i'll never be with you.

Broken.
1 : violently separated into parts : SHATTERED
2 : damaged or altered by breaking
3 a : made weak or infirm b : subdued completely : CRUSHED
4 : not complete or full

Worthless.
1 a : lacking worth : VALUELESS b : USELESS
2 : CONTEMPTIBLE, DESPICABLE

Used.
1 :Not new; secondhand


...started off the day getting rid of a few lies